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Is It Over Yet?
Malin's Tale
Have you ever done something to get someone off your back? I did, and will live with it forever.
I was seriously dating, when asked to go out with another guy "X", annoyingly often, at least to my memory. So, when a childhood friend visited me from Texas, I agreed to go out with "X", May 15th, 1992, since my Texan friend would join us. I thought, "Get him off my back, please." Well, he saw to that! (I haven't seen or heard from him since!) The three of us went out, had 'fun', as I have been told, with my older brother's best friend.
We left late and paid the consequences. I slept, unrestrained, in the back seat. Texan slept, restrained, in the front passenger seat as unrestrained "X" drove too fast for his sleepy eyes to handle. He 'slept' into a school bus that he was hurriedly passing, ~ 80 - something mph according to the bus driver, only to wake in time to smash into the guard rail too. Texan and "X" both 'walked away' from my limp body. Fortunately for me, the school bus was filled with ROTC, one being a trained paramedic, another, a trained EMT. They sustained my life that early morning of May 16th, until the ambulance took over.
Glasgow coma scale: 3; my life, is it over?
Intensive hospital care for two weeks, rehab: inpatient therapy (cognitive, physical & occupational) for four weeks plus weeks of outpatient therapy. Like many other traumatic brain injury survivors, I needed to learn to walk, talk, breath, swallow, use the rest room, eat, balance, write checks, follow directions, cook, address envelopes...and the list goes on and on.
My memory of those times is vague, though I remember frustration. "Do they really think I'm that stupid?" I remember thinking as the therapist asked me to perform menial tasks. Little did I realize that they were helping me to build back a foundation of knowledge on which I could create a new Malin.
Life as an independent adult, is it over?
After I completed all of the therapy, I again was fortunate, and received a job working on a brain injury unit at a psychiatric hospital, since medicine had been my pre-morbid plan; who better to relate to these patients who survived TBI, than another brain injury survivor?
To outsiders, I appeared and acted 'normal' but went through depression, counseling, medication trial and a search for why the heck I was saved, dear GOD? I was pissed at "X", I was grateful to the anonymous ROTC heroes, then I was angry that they had introduced me to a frustrating 'life' as I had yet to find "Malin". I was confused, frustrated and unable to let go of the fact that my life had been altered because of my injury; so I shared that fact with many, which brought me no red carpet greetings in return.
I learned to stop blaming my injury for whichever abilities I now lacked, to accept Malin for who Malin is now. Or so I thought I had done, years ago. Ever make a plan, forget it, only to come back to the great idea once again just to remember, hey, hadn't I planned on this before? So why hadn't I followed through with it?
MEMORY - my ever present lacking, in the slightest of ways, which brings me back to the reality that: ah yes, I do have deficits, but, what are they again?
I 'accepted' that I was not so good in some areas and have lived on basically happily. By chance, I ran into a PABIA connection through my favorite radio station's web site. That's odd, I remember thinking. It must mean something...So I wrote a brief script back in July, 2001 in hope to hear back. A prompt response told me that PABIA is a head injury support group that meets the first Tuesday per month. GREAT! I thought with an equal amount of energy thinking, I've tried a support group in the past and decided that it was not for me.
Why??? try again.
Though my actions were invisible, that response brewed in my mind for months. As this new year of 2003 was looming, I had decided to attend my first meeting, first Tuesday in January. Set in my mind, now all that needed to happen was (many things) for January 7th to come front and center.
The short of the long, I went. The first meeting only gave me a curious twist to go back. Now with the second meeting behind me, I can eagerly share that I have tapped into a source of energy that has not been present for some time. I heard stories that only I could have told, yet they were not coming out of my mouth! HUH?
Someone else has had the same experience? What a connection. This made my insides feel better than they had in a long time. Here in front of me are others with similar struggles in life. Some of these people actually have strategies to assist them in overcoming these struggles.
Since my recent connection with this PABIA support group, I have cried a few times, and couldn't be happier about it! My accident has left me feeling numb to the world, a-emotional. Though my life could not be better, as I am happily married with two beautifully healthy daughters, both under two years of age, my emotional ability is but within a small range: neutral to no-reason-to-complain-happy to irritated. Little room for emotional expression or release. Pre-morbidly, I was emotional - and I honestly feel that this emotional access through PABIA may be a key to unlock a big piece of the still healing Malin.
I would not be here, as perfectly healthy and 'normal' as others, had it not been for my family's support. Their love found the best setting to rehabilitate me so that I could reenter society in a fashion that would continue to aid in my rehabilitation.
IS IT OVER?
My rehabilitation, fortunately, is not.
Click here to send John Pistorius your Tale of Survival